A Fixed Mindset
All the ways we tell ourselves we can't.
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“This is about blind devotion to a way of thinking that, whether we are aware of it or not, keeps us safe.”
THIS DECEMBER, my father will be hitting an age-related milestone. That is, of course, as he likes to point out, if he makes it to then.
He has a bit of a morbid sense of humor, my dad.
But I actually think it’s a bit more than that. Because as he’s done all my life, he’s been aging himself in advance, referring to himself as the “big” number – 80 – since the day after he turned 79.
“You know, I’m 80,” he’ll say, which is typically followed by two other little words:
I can’t.
What’s inserted next is a bit of a Mad Lib assortment of largely physical activities, such as walking the course when he plays a round of golf, which he does at least once a week on a year-round basis due to his snowbird status.
He speaks as if a moratorium was issued that, upon turning 80, eschewing the cart was verboten.
Despite knowing damn well that’s not the case.
This is where that succinct phrase – I can’t – requires some translation. Because what I’d argue my father actually means is that he doesn’t want to. But not that he doesn’t want to walk the course – because I actually think he loves the pride and accomplishment of that greatly – but rather that he doesn’t want to put in the regular work to ensure he can keep doing so pain-free.
And without that, with every step, he absolutely will be reminded that he is, indeed, soon to be 80.
So, it’s easier for him to adhere to the self-appointed – and enforced – moratorium.
Which is why I must pause here to point out that – much to my chagrin – even without the genetic connection, we all possess a bit of my dad.
We take elements such as age, time, money, and skill and tie them to absolutes, saying, thinking and – worst of all – believing that our circumstances have us handcuffed to incapability.
As if our thoughts, feelings and experiences are unchangeable.
Which is the very definition of a fixed mindset.
To be clear, this is about more than just being stubborn. This is about blind devotion to a way of thinking that, whether we are aware of it or not, keeps us safe.
Because when you say “I can’t leave my job,” for example, it’s not that doing so is illegal.
It’s that the vulnerability required to take the leap, buckle down with your finances, and – gasp – ask for help just feels like too much to bear.
This is why the opposite of a fixed mindset is referred to as a growth mindset. Because facing uncertainty – with commitment and curiosity – is uncomfortable (think: growing pains).
It requires work. Humility. Accountability.
Yet it’s the only way to prove that you can.
So, at the very least, we need to refine our language. We need to start replacing our thoughts of I can’t with I don’t want to and feel how that hits. Not to pile on guilt or shame but to take back agency over our lives.
Because opting not to act is a choice all on its own.
As is recognizing that where there’s a will, well, you know the deal.
Kind of funny, isn’t it, how we put so much energy into ensuring our children never say I can’t, yet then we adopt the very same words as our own adult security blankets?
And how, in a role reversal, as an adult child, I also now want to strip the words from my father’s mouth?
Because I know you’re listening to this, Dad.
And I know you want to rebut me with a list of all the ways your body doesn’t feel like it once did (which I don’t deny).
But I also know that deep down you’re aware that if you truly want to walk that course…nothing says you can’t.
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Coming Up Next Week: The August Lineup
A month unlike any other.
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Write them, think them, talk them. There is no right or wrong way to navigate these prompts. Except to go into them without judgment or expectation. Be curious. And honest. Have the courage to sit with yourself.
Think of an area in your life right now where you routinely say “I can’t” (leaving a situation, setting a boundary, making a health change, pursuing a goal). What changes in your gut when you force yourself to say, “I just don’t want to do the work/take the risk right now”? How does that shift give you back your agency?
We spend so much time making sure our kids don’t adopt a fixed mindset, yet as adults, we use “I can’t” as a shield to keep us safe. What uncomfortable vulnerability or effort is your personal “I can’t” currently protecting you from having to face?
If you stripped away the excuses about age, time, money, or circumstances, what is one small step you could take this week toward something you’ve previously ruled out as impossible for yourself?
Thank you!